I’ve Done Many Bad Things It Hurts… Hi Sinead O’Connor, here’s your sister

sad clown 320x220I get a lot of comfort from Sinead O’Connor’s lines “Take Me to Church I’ve done so many bad things it hurts”.

Yes, I too have done many bad things! The pain of having caused harm to someone feels like a deep wound.

First I would not realize the harm I caused with my action. But later it would dawn on me and I’d feel my own pain over what happened. And I’d be very ashamed, hoping that no-one will notice. But then the day might come when I am being accused of what I have done. And this would be the day of the greatest shame, but also the day of release and a new beginning if I brought up the courage to admit my guilt.

Where do I find that courage if I am so afraid of punishment for what I’ve done? Punishment of being looked at with contempt, ridicule, aggression? How, in the name of God, would I face that? Am I willing to lose my face, lose that image of a nice and good person, willing to be gossiped about, willing to be judged?

Am I open to make amends? Can I believe I am still worthy no matter what I’ve done, that I was worthy in the first place and always will be? Can I forgive myself if no-one else will?

Pretty tough questions, huh!!

I am guilty of closing my eyes and ears against everything that felt wrong to me, and so allowed bad to happen. I had trained myself so well to not see bad in anyone whose love I felt dependent on and could not stand up to, to the extent that I didn’t pay heed to anything feeling off. I was afraid to stand up for myself or anyone else, and so allowed harm to happen to me and others.

I am learning that if I keep reproaching, hating and punishing myself for what I have done (or not done), I will be a miserable crank, and no good to anyone, no good to stand up for the good next time round. I would keep on feeding my feelings of worthlessness, and when I don’t feel worthy, life is not going to be worthwhile, and I may as well be dead.

But no, no, no!!! I intend to live!!! I am willing to stop judging myself, and look for the good side of a challenging experience.

Thank you so much, Sinead O’Connor, for your bravery, for this song, for being so open and honest in your music and public appearance, for inspiring me to write this blog.

My song “Rise” is an attempt at becoming more quiet and aware of what’s going on inside me. To recognize what feels off, make changes and move up and forward towards better days. It is a song that gives hope to the thought, that the deeper you fall, the higher you will rise.

It is about the willingness to look at where I am, no matter how dark, and to acknowledge the good in me.

This may sound a little heavy but  “Rise” has a light, uplifting and celebratory feel to it. It’s also very catchy, and I’d imagine Sinead would appreciate it, too.

If you like this song you might want to check out my most recent EP “Summer Sun”,

and maybe also my debut EP “Caress Your Soul” for more soul-comforting, uplifting music.

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